Questions that (sometimes) keep me up at night

Yes L; there are some questions that keep me up night.

1. Where and how can I get that miracle drug that will add another 30 years to our cat’s life?

2. When really, will I start getting actual wrinkles??

3. How do I deal with pubic hair turning white?? Does it matter?

4. Is there an endgame to Philippine politics?

5. Where and how do you begin therapy and recovery for artistic atrophy?? For what ends??

6. Should I just start writing??

7. How can I admit that I really don’t like salmon that much?

8. How do you know that you have enough clothes??

9. Is sex work really that bad???

10. Can one start all over again with art?

When you need to actually recover from the vacation you just had

1. I picked up a cough from sleeping every single night in an air-conditioned room, would you believe?? If someone tells you that this is the norm, that there isn’t really any other way, it’s not and they’re wrong (Auckland however, sits at a perfect (night) summer temperature between 16 to 18 degrees centigrade with less than 50% humidity).

2. Indulge in the quiet; just birds in the morning, or someone doing the lawn. I miss the malunggay bread seller though, announcing himself through a loudspeaker on cue every afternoon around 3pm (and the bread is good).

3. A near-empty refrigerator and going back to one meal a day.

4. Losing weight is not the point (lost 1 kg), but to get your fitness level to where it was before.

5. Finding something to do, like washing the dishes, doing laundry, sorting clothes- anything really that gets you up and moving, because having everything done for you is just wrong.

Some good stuff

1. Exceptional food like papait, steamed kamote tops, bangus innards, green mangoes, almondigas the size of rocks seeping spicy, sweet vinegar and Goldilocks cakes.

2. Good friends and you know who you are

3. PAL (nobody clapped when the plane landed, not that I ever minded this).

4. AC and non-AC buses that are just the right size

5. Not seeing or hearing from people you never really cared to ever see or hear from again

By the age of 50, you should be wise enough to let go of these 20 things

I saw this on Facebook and I thought why the hell not, let me post this. For the record, I don’t have a personal Facebook account anymore. I just have a professional one for work to manage our socials. Every so often, Meta recommends me someone I know and I just shake my head sadly; I’m done and fuck you Mark Zuckerberg.

But this was cute, so..

1. The illusion of control. This is the thing- learn to distinguish the difference between control and being organised. Sure, every plan and preparation can go awry, but if you don’t organise your life in anticipation of what may come whatever it is, you’ll end up worse off (eg. use sunscreen EVERY DAY damn it!).

2. The need to prove yourself. I never had to because work and actions always speak for themselves. However you do need to prove to yourself that you’ve changed; that you’re not lying to yourself, that you’re not making excuses, and that you’ve truly given 101% of yourself.

3. Carrying grudges. I don’t have a lot, so I’m going to indulge myself in carrying some a bit longer.

4. Trying to fix everyone. I never have.

5. The fear of change. I love change because it does what I never seem to have the courage to doing- doing it myself.

6. Toxic loyalty. As someone who has never really had a big social circle, I never had this problem.

7. The comparison trap. Ha! I’m shallow when it comes to this. I’ve never cared about someone else’s career or wealth because I know that I can never compete with that, but it will bother me if they’ve found a way to make their neck area a bit firmer (I’ve been noticing a thinning of my neck skin and I’m struggling to find an effective way to reverse this- suggestions anyone??).

8. The addiction to busyness. I don’t mind this, I’m more concerned about the quality of this busyness- am I getting results equal to what I’m putting in??

9. Guilt for prioritising yourself. The first lesson I ever learned was, put yourself first because if you’ve done that, you’re in a better position to help others should they ask for it.

10. Old identities. I’m a different person every year and that’s a conscious effort on my part.

11. Unrealistic expectations of others. Never cared about how people choose to deal with me; just don’t be an asshole because I’ll fuck you up.

12. Overthinking the past. I don’t remember 89% of my past because what’s the point?

13. The chase for perfection. They say that it’s a moving target that robs joy, but so is settling and saying this will do. Be wise in choosing the things that you want to be perfect because in the end when you do get it, you realise that true perfection is a standard that you yourself have set.

14. Defining worth through productivity. Don’t be a fucking Gen Z lol. Your value is BOTH what you’ve produced and the presence you’ve brought into it.

15. Arguing with people committed to misunderstanding you. I’ve never met someone personally or professionally who was like this to me, but if I did, I’ll do everything in my power to get rid of them as quickly as possible (sorry, just finished watching The Beast In Me and I’m having a Nile Jarvis moment).

16. The belief that love alone sustains relationships. You’re an idiot if you’ve believed this lol.

17. Blaming your parents forever. Mmmmmmm. I keep trying to find something to blame them for. Maybe if I found a couple, I can finally find some fodder for that novel lol.

18. The fear of starting over. It’s not fear, it’s more of laziness. Ugh, do I have to start again??

19. People-pleasing. I’m not a people pleaser, I’m just nice and everyone actually says so. Plus I feel sad when everyone else ignores that special person with the propensity to tell you all her child-dramas when you’re making coffee in the office kitchen.

20. The need to have it all figured out. What’s wrong with trying to eliminate uncertainty now that you have AI lol??

I don't get it

1. Why some birria tacos are so good that they’re great even when they’re cold

2. Why Filipinos are protesting against corruption now, when it’s been going on for generations????

3. Why the Downtown Abbey movies have to end; if I get stuck in a parallel universe, I’d like to be in it and wouldn’t care whether I’d end up upstairs or down.

4. Why October is around the corner and that Christmas is just 92 days away

5. Why October is nearly here and I really can’t have Pumpkin Spice latte as much as I’d like to

Asar

1. Why would you leave your teaspoon on the sink?? Will it stand up and make its way to the dishwasher?

2. No, I don’t want to hear about how bratty you kid is first thing in the morning.

3. Blocked sinuses don’t really warrant calling in sick.

4. How hard is it to fill up the water container in the coffee machine after you’ve used it?

5. Injury (a full tear) and possible surgery.

6. Well at least when you shift your exercise work to your lower body, you get a six pack and great legs

7. You can’t fucking have everything can you??

8. You have that face? Go home

9. Auckland rain (coz I’m pretty sure it’s fine everywhere else) has the worst timing

10. When people smell in winter

11. Sad cat reels and videos. Don’t want to see that.

What I really, really want, but can't have

1. A huge plate full of rice (guilt and fear of illness have most likely shrunk my stomach- I feel physically ill if I had more than a cup).

2. Solid, well-formed hands and fingers with no veins and creapey skin. I’d like to wear heaps of rings, but my hands are ugly.

3. A modestly substantial, well-formed butt. Yes, I do squats and all that everyday, but alas…

4. Perfect eyesight. FUCK these goddamned glasses.

5. Full, luxurious, out of control, brazenly lush facial hair.

6. Justice on my own terms.

7. To go back in time just once and be able to say to this person - YES YOU WERE WRONG YOU STUPID CUNT.

8. Longer eyelashes

9. To go back in time just once and say to my Tatay (my mom’s dad) - I PICKED A DIFFERENT PATH AND I’M GLAD I DID BECAUSE I’M HAPPY.

10. To go back in time just once with my camera and take a million photos of my old cat Tiger because I can’t remember what she looks like anymore :-(

Thursday's list

1. I’m glad these shoes fit, even if I’m agonising over the fact that I don’t have the appropriate pants and socks that I think would suit them.

2. There was a party that I was invited to this week that I had to decline. I needed to buy a new suit jacket, but I ended up using the money to buy these shoes instead- and yes, some of us don’t have an endless supply of disposable income to buy everything we want.

3. We’re nearing the end of May! Where has the time gone??

4. I need a clock (or timer) for the bathroom; something has changed in my morning routine, and I’m cutting it very close (I’m out the door at 6:49 am to hitch a ride with Mary).

5. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could buy time like literally?? (remember this movie?).

Presented as is

1. Media jobs

2. Taylor Swift

3. Plus-sized, body-positivity influencers who lose weight

4. Selena Gomez

5. Alabama, Texas and Florida

6. Putin

7. Russia

8. New Zealand’s coalition government

9. Blink-182

10. Kourtney Kardashian

11. Repeal of New Zealand’s SmokeFree law

12. Politicians who keep quiet

13. Unimaginative restaurants

14. The US Supreme Court

15. Duterte family

16. Christopher Luxon

2024: What's In and out

OUT
1. ‘Influencers’ at the gym
2. Excuses NOT to go to the gym
3. Excuses in general
4. Eating too much during the holidays
5. Spending too much during the holidays
6. Buying an unnecessary item instead of using the money for (expensive) dental care
7. Traveling somewhere just because everyone else is (not that I gave in to it)
8. NOT reading
9. Your OPINION and THOUGHTS on any platform that allows you to express it
10. Fried chicken (sorry, there is such a thing as way too much fried chicken).
11. Marvel movies
12. Countries opting for war
13. Countries opting for right-wing populist leaderships

IN
1. Traveling to a local place that’s out of my comfort zone (and there are PLENTY in this country that I have yet to visit)
2. Watching a play or a musical
3. Travelling overseas to see a play or a musical
4. Quiet luxury in eating (I mean if you only have one meal a day, then it shouldn’t be a frozen dinner from the supermarket- make something like grilled salmon and broccolini, or boneless, free-range chicken thighs pan-fried with a butter-miso sauce).
5. A LOT of reading
6. Keeping your OPINION and THOUGHTS to yourself and shutting out the toxicity of the world in general
7. Keeping ‘quiet’ and listening to your own voice, your own thoughts
8. Taking time to cook something special/different
9. More sunshine (but just 20 minutes please)
10. Art you’ve made yourself

Dear Diary

Going through some of my stationery, I found an old Moleskine journal that was gifted to me (along with a Lamy pen) for Christmas 2019. The last entry was May of 2020- a time in which most of my entries were on this blog.

It wouldn’t hurt to resume using it.

Dear Diary,
1. I love the kids and I’m glad that when I don’t feel a 100% (just tired really and bloated from all the food the last couple of days), I can step away. As a parent, I probably can’t. I guess I would have to watch Aquaman all by myself now.
2. Some writer said, to make a resolution about something bigger than yourself. That the great wide world wouldn’t really care if you lose weight, or work out, or work harder, or quit drinking or smoking. The world may not care, but I do, so FUCK YOU.
3. How about asking the people and the entities who actually do have the power and the influence to fast-track things instead?? Ask Israel, Palestine, the Russians and the Ukrainians and the billionaires to sort things out and stop fucking the rest of us.
4. Ugh, now I need a drink (the only time I ever consume alcohol is over the holidays) but where to get mint?? I feel like doing a couple of mojitos.
5. A neighbour and co-worker dropped off some mint for me- bless you Angelique.
6. Suddenly, friends who’ve been actively messaging you all year are suddenly quiet when the holidays come.
7. Speaking of people you know, how brave are you to admit that if you never hear from some of them again, it really wouldn’t matter?
9. How many more stuff can you buy?? You can never have enough shoes, or clothes but at some point, you need to say, I should stop buying now.
10. Prosperity bowls are all the rage but they’re so complicated! I’d rather put the effort at work which should hopefully give me prosperity!
11. I’m superstitious about superstitions; what if it doesn’t work? Or worse, what if it brings you the opposite? I’ll just take my chances.
12. Or I’ll continue praying to God.

2024 resolutions

Why wait, when you can start now?

1. Don’t wait, just do it. For someone who has been wearing Nike for decades, I wasn’t really smart enough to believe that the slogan actually works.

2. Stick to what you’re really, really good at and perfect it.

3. Words have power; use them responsibly.

4. Words have consequences; be careful with them.

5. It’s okay to be selfish rather than come off as insincere.

6. Edit, edit, edit. You don’t need to buy that fourth tiny block of $40 cheese just because you saw it in a movie.

7. It sucks, but opt for dental care over YSL.

8. Read more, stream less.

9. Cook more but eat less.

10. Your creativity is boundless; just let go…

Very important things I've only known recently

1. To avoid laundry lines across your $120US James Pearse shirts - or any shirt for that matter- you need to peg it as far on the sides of the shirt as you can.

2. When cooking adobo, don’t cover it when you’ve just put vinegar; you need to allow it to evaporate.

3. Same goes when using wine for such dishes as bourguignon.

4. Even supposedly good things like huge, fat heirloom tomatoes when eaten in excess, can be bad.

5. Same goes for ethical shrimp (very, very bad).

6. Simplify your Christmas menu; YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE who’s going to eat that $200, 15 gram tin of Caviar Beluga Pur sel

7. You can never, ever have enough shoes

8. You can sleep/nap for like 15 min and be refreshed.

Why?

1.Why are the leaves of my calathea curling up and dying?? (soil is not dry nor waterlogged, humidity is okay..)

2. Why do I always end up with so much waste and so many dishes to clean up after?

3. Why does the New Zealand still doesn’t have a formal government?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS VOTED FOR IDIOTS (Luxon, Peters and Seymour).

4. Why is Trump still relevant?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS STILL SUPPORT THE IDIOTS!

5. Why are Israel and Palestine fighting each other?? (I’m tired of caring).

6. Why do I feel that I’m still 32 (my best year)??.

Monday's list

1. Five weeks before Christmas! And I’m excited because it’s the only real break from work that I’ll get.

2. Gave myself a pre-Christmas present - a new (Kitchen Aid) mixer - and the challenge of baking my own favourite cakes (Black Forest, Sans Rival).

3. Ahhh, 2023 done; the year of personal injuries. We may not look it, but we are sadly falling apart.

4. Should finish that novel I started to the bitter end.

5. Should get a head-start on my 2024 New Year’s resolution list (when you’re older, you have to start earlier than everyone else).

Happiness is...

1. An entire fish (a 600 gram golden pompano in this case) for my dinner. There is a Laotian restaurant in the city that I go to at least twice a year where I order their whole deep-fried snapper, buried under a mound of (more fish) fish larb and herbs.

2. Knowing I could lose 2 kgs in a week and then gaining them back just because

3. Not remembering dreams that give you that feeling you’ve done something wrong

4. Not really caring about politics or climate change (I’ll just take my chances).

5. Finding a dentist you actually like

6. Able to give your best even if you’re not at your best

7. Having ZERO envy

8. Still feeling some bitterness when you remember people who have slighted you

9. Wishing them DEAD and NOT giving a fuck

10. Feeling contrite after wishing them ill and asking forgiveness

Things you're 'too old to deal with' anymore

1. ‘Problematic’ relatives (it would help if you lived a thousand miles away and no longer have a Facebook account).

2. People you were once friends with. Treat them as you would treat clothes in your closet- if you haven’t worn them in a year or so, give them away to the Salvation Army. If fate decrees that you meet up again, then maybe you can rethink it.

3. Twitter. Stop enabling the most dangerous, unhinged psychopath on the planet.

4. Disney animated movies. Sorry, haven’t watched any in forever.

5. Work drama.

6. Your life ten or 15 or 20 years ago. I don’t even look back to last year- the past is PAST.

Small victories

1. A perfect hollandaise sauce from a first attempt

2. Finishing a book amidst all the distraction

3. Taking a nice nap after a go-see of all your current streaming subscriptions and finding nothing worth your while to watch

4. A clean kitchen for five straight days

5. 30 squats

6. A couple of Hail Mary’s before you fall asleep

7. Getting onto Twitter and ‘walking away’ when coming across a MAGA supporter, a Republican, an anti-vaxxer, an LGBTQ+ agitator, a dumb politician, a misogynist, an anonymous, self-righteous white, male boomer, a whinging farmer, a conservative…

8. ‘Walking away’ from purchasing another pair of shoes, jeans and hoodie

9. Being distracted by other people’s shit

10. Waking up the next day to a world still somewhat intact

A list

1. I worked for two consecutive weekends, and it wasn’t like night shifts or repetitious things like on a conveyor belt or something, or that for meals, I had nothing but a pie and a glass of water. It was conducting seminars, smiling a lot, taking nice photos, dinners at this nice restaurant and generally just socialising. A bit of it was physical- but it was no different from, say, cleaning your house. But I was EXHAUSTED. DEAD TIRED. I wonder how I’d survive if I actually needed to work two jobs.

2. But you learn to pace yourself- two important things; 1) find time to exercise even if it’s no more than 15 min; 2) SLEEP WELL.

3. Twitter is vicious. Stepping into it without anonymity is both empowering and frustrating.

4. But who cares right? My gut feel is that the world is ending, and all these things that have trapped everyone into a never-ending combat of words is pointless.

5. I keep telling myself, step out of it- do you. Care for yourself alone and the people you love.

6. I asked a couple of questions over at ChatGPT…

7. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

8. Found a new fried chicken place called Peach’s Hot Chicken

Wednesday's List

1. My siblings posted photos of the kids’ Valentine's Day dates on our family chat account- time flies. But I still feel the same though I doubt if I still look the same.

2. Have yet to find an available booking for a root canal; might use the money instead for some facial treatments.

3. People sometimes act strange. The good thing about it is that I don’t really consider them good/close friends, so I’m never really obliged to ask why. It’s good sometimes to go about your day just doing you.

4. It’s certainly hard to make (real) friends after a certain age, but I don’t mind. After all, I only made some well into my mid to late 20s and I can definitively say that friendship can be over-rated.

5. Back into semi-serious body-training again. Ugh.