A huge plate full of rice (guilt and fear of illness have most likely shrunk my stomach- I feel physically ill if I had more than a cup).
Solid, well-formed hands and fingers with no veins and creapey skin. I’d like to wear heaps of rings, but my hands are ugly.
A modestly substantial, well-formed butt. Yes, I do squats and all that everyday, but alas…
Perfect eyesight. FUCK these goddamned glasses.
Full, luxurious, out of control, brazenly lush facial hair.
Justice on my own terms.
To go back in time just once and be able to say to this person - YES YOU WERE WRONG YOU STUPID CUNT.
Longer eyelashes
To go back in time just once and say to my Tatay (my mom’s dad) - I PICKED A DIFFERENT PATH AND I’M GLAD I DID BECAUSE I’M HAPPY.
To go back in time just once with my camera and take a million photos of my old cat Tiger because I can’t remember what she looks like anymore :-(
Thursday's list
I’m glad these shoes fit, even if I’m agonising over the fact that I don’t have the appropriate pants and socks that I think would suit them.
There was a party that I was invited to this week that I had to decline. I needed to buy a new suit jacket, but I ended up using the money to buy these shoes instead- and yes, some of us don’t have an endless supply of disposable income to buy everything we want.
We’re nearing the end of May! Where has the time gone??
I need a clock (or timer) for the bathroom; something has changed in my morning routine, and I’m cutting it very close (I’m out the door at 6:49 am to hitch a ride with Mary).
Wouldn’t it be cool if you could buy time like literally?? (remember this movie?).
Presented as is
Media jobs
Taylor Swift
Plus-sized, body-positivity influencers who lose weight
Selena Gomez
Alabama, Texas and Florida
Putin
Russia
New Zealand’s coalition government
Blink-182
Kourtney Kardashian
Repeal of New Zealand’s SmokeFree law
Politicians who keep quiet
Unimaginative restaurants
The US Supreme Court
Duterte family
Christopher Luxon
2024: What's In and out
OUT
1. ‘Influencers’ at the gym
2. Excuses NOT to go to the gym
3. Excuses in general
4. Eating too much during the holidays
5. Spending too much during the holidays
6. Buying an unnecessary item instead of using the money for (expensive) dental care
7. Traveling somewhere just because everyone else is (not that I gave in to it)
8. NOT reading
9. Your OPINION and THOUGHTS on any platform that allows you to express it
10. Fried chicken (sorry, there is such a thing as way too much fried chicken).
11. Marvel movies
12. Countries opting for war
13. Countries opting for right-wing populist leaderships
IN
1. Traveling to a local place that’s out of my comfort zone (and there are PLENTY in this country that I have yet to visit)
2. Watching a play or a musical
3. Travelling overseas to see a play or a musical
4. Quiet luxury in eating (I mean if you only have one meal a day, then it shouldn’t be a frozen dinner from the supermarket- make something like grilled salmon and broccolini, or boneless, free-range chicken thighs pan-fried with a butter-miso sauce).
5. A LOT of reading
6. Keeping your OPINION and THOUGHTS to yourself and shutting out the toxicity of the world in general
7. Keeping ‘quiet’ and listening to your own voice, your own thoughts
8. Taking time to cook something special/different
9. More sunshine (but just 20 minutes please)
10. Art you’ve made yourself
Dear Diary
Going through some of my stationery, I found an old Moleskine journal that was gifted to me (along with a Lamy pen) for Christmas 2019. The last entry was May of 2020- a time in which most of my entries were on this blog.
It wouldn’t hurt to resume using it.
Dear Diary,
1. I love the kids and I’m glad that when I don’t feel a 100% (just tired really and bloated from all the food the last couple of days), I can step away. As a parent, I probably can’t. I guess I would have to watch Aquaman all by myself now.
2. Some writer said, to make a resolution about something bigger than yourself. That the great wide world wouldn’t really care if you lose weight, or work out, or work harder, or quit drinking or smoking. The world may not care, but I do, so FUCK YOU.
3. How about asking the people and the entities who actually do have the power and the influence to fast-track things instead?? Ask Israel, Palestine, the Russians and the Ukrainians and the billionaires to sort things out and stop fucking the rest of us.
4. Ugh, now I need a drink (the only time I ever consume alcohol is over the holidays) but where to get mint?? I feel like doing a couple of mojitos.
5. A neighbour and co-worker dropped off some mint for me- bless you Angelique.
6. Suddenly, friends who’ve been actively messaging you all year are suddenly quiet when the holidays come.
7. Speaking of people you know, how brave are you to admit that if you never hear from some of them again, it really wouldn’t matter?
9. How many more stuff can you buy?? You can never have enough shoes, or clothes but at some point, you need to say, I should stop buying now.
10. Prosperity bowls are all the rage but they’re so complicated! I’d rather put the effort at work which should hopefully give me prosperity!
11. I’m superstitious about superstitions; what if it doesn’t work? Or worse, what if it brings you the opposite? I’ll just take my chances.
12. Or I’ll continue praying to God.
2024 resolutions
Why wait, when you can start now?
Don’t wait, just do it. For someone who has been wearing Nike for decades, I wasn’t really smart enough to believe that the slogan actually works.
Stick to what you’re really, really good at and perfect it.
Words have power; use them responsibly.
Words have consequences; be careful with them.
It’s okay to be selfish rather than come off as insincere.
Edit, edit, edit. You don’t need to buy that fourth tiny block of $40 cheese just because you saw it in a movie.
It sucks, but opt for dental care over YSL.
Read more, stream less.
Cook more but eat less.
Your creativity is boundless; just let go…
Very important things I've only known recently
To avoid laundry lines across your $120US James Pearse shirts - or any shirt for that matter- you need to peg it as far on the sides of the shirt as you can.
When cooking adobo, don’t cover it when you’ve just put vinegar; you need to allow it to evaporate.
Same goes when using wine for such dishes as bourguignon.
Even supposedly good things like huge, fat heirloom tomatoes when eaten in excess, can be bad.
Same goes for ethical shrimp (very, very bad).
Simplify your Christmas menu; YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE who’s going to eat that $200, 15 gram tin of Caviar Beluga Pur sel
You can never, ever have enough shoes
You can sleep/nap for like 15 min and be refreshed.
Why?
1.Why are the leaves of my calathea curling up and dying?? (soil is not dry nor waterlogged, humidity is okay..)
2. Why do I always end up with so much waste and so many dishes to clean up after?
3. Why does the New Zealand still doesn’t have a formal government?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS VOTED FOR IDIOTS (Luxon, Peters and Seymour).
4. Why is Trump still relevant?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS STILL SUPPORT THE IDIOTS!
5. Why are Israel and Palestine fighting each other?? (I’m tired of caring).
6. Why do I feel that I’m still 32 (my best year)??.
Monday's list
Five weeks before Christmas! And I’m excited because it’s the only real break from work that I’ll get.
Gave myself a pre-Christmas present - a new (Kitchen Aid) mixer - and the challenge of baking my own favourite cakes (Black Forest, Sans Rival).
Ahhh, 2023 done; the year of personal injuries. We may not look it, but we are sadly falling apart.
Should finish that novel I started to the bitter end.
Should get a head-start on my 2024 New Year’s resolution list (when you’re older, you have to start earlier than everyone else).
Happiness is...
An entire fish (a 600 gram golden pompano in this case) for my dinner. There is a Laotian restaurant in the city that I go to at least twice a year where I order their whole deep-fried snapper, buried under a mound of (more fish) fish larb and herbs.
Knowing I could lose 2 kgs in a week and then gaining them back just because
Not remembering dreams that give you that feeling you’ve done something wrong
Not really caring about politics or climate change (I’ll just take my chances).
Finding a dentist you actually like
Able to give your best even if you’re not at your best
Having ZERO envy
Still feeling some bitterness when you remember people who have slighted you
Wishing them DEAD and NOT giving a fuck
Feeling contrite after wishing them ill and asking forgiveness
Things you're 'too old to deal with' anymore
‘Problematic’ relatives (it would help if you lived a thousand miles away and no longer have a Facebook account).
People you were once friends with. Treat them as you would treat clothes in your closet- if you haven’t worn them in a year or so, give them away to the Salvation Army. If fate decrees that you meet up again, then maybe you can rethink it.
Twitter. Stop enabling the most dangerous, unhinged psychopath on the planet.
Disney animated movies. Sorry, haven’t watched any in forever.
Work drama.
Your life ten or 15 or 20 years ago. I don’t even look back to last year- the past is PAST.
Small victories
A perfect hollandaise sauce from a first attempt
Finishing a book amidst all the distraction
Taking a nice nap after a go-see of all your current streaming subscriptions and finding nothing worth your while to watch
A clean kitchen for five straight days
30 squats
A couple of Hail Mary’s before you fall asleep
Getting onto Twitter and ‘walking away’ when coming across a MAGA supporter, a Republican, an anti-vaxxer, an LGBTQ+ agitator, a dumb politician, a misogynist, an anonymous, self-righteous white, male boomer, a whinging farmer, a conservative…
‘Walking away’ from purchasing another pair of shoes, jeans and hoodie
Being distracted by other people’s shit
Waking up the next day to a world still somewhat intact
A list
I worked for two consecutive weekends, and it wasn’t like night shifts or repetitious things like on a conveyor belt or something, or that for meals, I had nothing but a pie and a glass of water. It was conducting seminars, smiling a lot, taking nice photos, dinners at this nice restaurant and generally just socialising. A bit of it was physical- but it was no different from, say, cleaning your house. But I was EXHAUSTED. DEAD TIRED. I wonder how I’d survive if I actually needed to work two jobs.
But you learn to pace yourself- two important things; 1) find time to exercise even if it’s no more than 15 min; 2) SLEEP WELL.
Twitter is vicious. Stepping into it without anonymity is both empowering and frustrating.
But who cares right? My gut feel is that the world is ending, and all these things that have trapped everyone into a never-ending combat of words is pointless.
I keep telling myself, step out of it- do you. Care for yourself alone and the people you love.
I asked a couple of questions over at ChatGPT…
7. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
8. Found a new fried chicken place called Peach’s Hot Chicken
Wednesday's List
My siblings posted photos of the kids’ Valentine's Day dates on our family chat account- time flies. But I still feel the same though I doubt if I still look the same.
Have yet to find an available booking for a root canal; might use the money instead for some facial treatments.
People sometimes act strange. The good thing about it is that I don’t really consider them good/close friends, so I’m never really obliged to ask why. It’s good sometimes to go about your day just doing you.
It’s certainly hard to make (real) friends after a certain age, but I don’t mind. After all, I only made some well into my mid to late 20s and I can definitively say that friendship can be over-rated.
Back into semi-serious body-training again. Ugh.
New Year's Resolutions list (1)
Schedule that goddamned root canal
Clean and re-season the iron skillet
Look at getting a new food processor
Look at either signing up at a gym or updating your fitness equipment
Sort your clothes for real (give them away to the Salvation Army)
More cardio
Go see a dermatologist
Increase your vegetable intake
Aim to read more (start on the books you already have)
Less of the bad fat
Start writing again please, even if it’s in small batches
The Daily List
My friend L, speaks of having of having isolated herself ‘from almost everyone I care about and I'm not a part of any organization or circle that I can call my tribe’. The funny thing is that I’ve done that willingly. I found in New Zealand, a life where you can opt to opt out and you’re not judged by it. Filipino culture just makes that impossible I think.
I don’t object to having friends, but they’re really rare to come by. I’ve worked with some people for over a decade and I still consciously would not consider them friends. I’m always friendly and open with my opinions, and apparently generous, but when I get home, it’s a life I don’t really share in its entirety- I never have, and I probably never will. I’m always present sure, but when I’ve exited the building, I’m gone.
How do you find a friend? I’ve found the very precious few that I have by accident or circumstance.
Struggling to write the last couple of years (the last two decades actually), I’ve thought of enrolling in some creative writing classes which I thought would be getting two birds in one stone; you get inspiration to write, and you might get to meet like-minded people who can possibly, become friends. Get to belong to a community of writers. The fees however are a bit expensive.
I meant to do NaNoWriMo this month..and failed again. Mmmm. I have this story idea about domestic cats empowered by a strange force to help humans fight against an invading alien species.
The questions list
what are you really, really good at that?
Is this what you’re supposed to do?
do you really, really need to have it?
Are you prepared to get it?
Do you have what it takes to get it?
Will doing it prove once and for all, that it’s what you’re meant to do?
If not, what then?
A list a day...
The fourth season of ‘Stranger Things’ has started! I’m glad I gave it another chance because it was the childhood I actually had, in my head.
Inflation, recession, higher mortgage rates- what do they mean? To me it means doing less Uber and more public transport; more supermarket meat, less online boutique butchers; more saving, less spending. It may all sound facetious, but I honestly don’t know. I’ve never really had much financial sense.
When Sam said half-seriously, doing a projection of an 8% mortgage rate high (which means for me, around $800 per fortnight, an increase of 62%), we may need to get 2nd jobs, I was secretly thrilled. For real. I made a list- supermarket online order person, nursing home attendee, weekend cook, cleaner. As I’ve told Leila, I’d DIE if I was poor in the Philippines. But I don’t mind it here- no one knows me, I don’t know anyone, and work is work, a dollar is a dollar.
I buy drones, expensive cameras, and Apple products and sometimes I wish, I could make money out of them (especially in this economy). But then it kills the spirit- there’s something ruthless and numbing about having to make everything about profit and gain. Can it be just about the beauty of technology and personal consumption of creative content?? (I sound like Imelda Marcos; though, the difference is that she actually profited from it ).
But then I realise, Apple has literally already taken the equivalent of a house deposit from me 😅
I love my job and I’ve been in it for 10 years and I’m happy- but I still think, could there be something else? Something new?
It’s hard to break out of habits and routine. Do something new you say to yourself but it’s a struggle to get to the gym after work; your attention wanders off somewhere when studying Analytics; you’ve now forgotten the 1st three modules of learning sign language…hmmm
A new habit that would be easy to start (again) is eating out once a month at a new restaurant. Even in this economy, you have to help out businesses you know..
Wednesday's list
Unless you were a Putin, a Duterte or whatever the Chinese premiere’s name is, I guess you’d cave into whatever the public wants (how you accurately gauge that though is a different question altogether). New Zealand is relaxing (or doing away) its vaccine mandates soon ‘amidst a clamour for normalcy’. Fine with me, but if you’re one of those who actually believe that we can find ourselves back to some ‘normalcy’ I have three words for you - YOU ARE STUPID.
But I must admit that even the best of us sometimes falls into that hole. When the border opening dates were announced, we were looking at trips- Canada, Japan, Australia. It’s good to dream, but be careful not to buy into a fantasy.
The Philippines? Only to see family because other than that, I can’t stand the politics. You are who you pick to lead you. Yup, I hontesly can’t stand the fucking country anymore.
Work has always been great and challenging and fun. BUT WHAT ELSE?
YSL or Apple, that is the question
Tuesday wish-list
Fruitcake
Lechon pork-belly ( I hope Doyet makes some for Noche Buena).
Getting to try out the Cordis’ hotel’s new wing
Losing at least 3kgs (haven’t budged from 73kgs).
Get to finish one of the dozen of stories I’m working on
Get to finish one creative work
Re-do the side garden
Get rid of this wisdom tooth in the most painless way possible
Been wanting to make leche-flan in like forever
Massive seafood dinner
Get to finish 5 books before year’s end
