Day 28

There was a time when the one birthday that I really wanted was to be alone in New York; nice hotel, great meals, Broadway, shopping. Now, I can’t even think about travelling without worrying about sickness and death. It feels that we’ve been plunged back into the middle-ages when voyages put you at the mercy of everything from pirates, sea-monsters, scurvy to storms.

In hindsight, perhaps all I ever wanted was to be not remembered- baffling why I’d like something like that- but today, under these circumstances, I seem to mind it less. When the lockdown started, I added work-colleagues to my work-only Facebook account and greetings dutifully came through the whole day; services and products sent their automated greetings and marketing enticements.

I worked, only because continuity for some comms was necessary (and frankly, I was the only one who could do it capably) and I cooked, did chores and by day’s end, I was exhausted. Not the birthday I would have wanted, but a lot of things recently seem out of our control- like last night at the supermarket, I was looking for cream-cheese to make a cheesecake and the space in the refrigerated aisle where it usually was located, was empty. I was thinking maybe I’ll do Sara Lee, got two vegan coconut cakes but returned them when saw an Edmonds cheesecake premixed box; at least it wouldn’t literally come out of the box I thought.

I also got emails that two items I had bought as birthday gifts to myself had been dispatched- wouldn’t be nice to receive fresh new Nikes and a fresh pair of Nudie jeans on my birthday even if it would be stupid to wear them to the supermarket which is the only place I go to these days anyway? But they didn't arrive so that was a bummer.

And then I thought, well, when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a new day, but no different really from yesterday, or today…and that’s that.

Some wishes for today (more like a to-do list actually)

  1. That I start drawing and painting without thinking that I need another gadget to do it (upgrading from my ‘old’ iPad pro to the newer one + the floating keyboard).

  2. Start on that novel/short-story collection

  3. Abs! It’s there, I can see it, but I don’t know how to make it show or if I’d want to lose any more weight to get it.

  4. Start driving and getting a license

  5. Be able to visit New York (who knows when it’s actually safe to travel again).

  6. That Trump LOSES in November. I really shouldn’t care, but deep inside I do.

  7. That I learn something new and useful in the next 4 months.

  8. Can’t think of anything more really- leave it up to God to make the rest happen

Day 27: Before you complain about courier fees for fancy cakes, read this

I was fired because of the Coronavirus

MIAMI — For the past year, I have cared for a 95-year-old woman. I went to her family’s home, watched TV with her, talked to her and gave her medication. We shared stories. I made her food: bread with butter or peanut butter. Noodle soup was her favorite. We made each other laugh.

On March 16, when I arrived at work, the woman’s daughter opened the door and pulled me aside to talk.

“I don’t want anybody to bring the virus into my house,” she said. “Friday will be your last day of work.”

She told me that she needed to have control over her home, her children and her mother.

“I don’t want any strangers coming in,” she said. That included me.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked.

“When everything is under control, I’ll call you,” she said. I haven’t heard from her since.

I considered myself to be part of her family. It hurt. My boss viewed me as an outsider — as a risk to her own health.

I live with my son, Emanuel, who is 6. Right now, we are just trying to survive. In my job, I made $80 per day. My hours were flexible. Sometimes I worked three days a week, sometimes four or five. When the family called me, I would go.

I never made enough to have savings. And I don’t know how I will find another job now. Very few businesses in Miami are hiring. Restaurants are open only for takeout and have laid off many of their workers. A friend told me that working for Amazon might be a possibility. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that working in a big warehouse with lots of other people could be a bad idea during a pandemic. I don’t have any health insurance and I can’t afford to get sick. Who would care for my son, especially now that his school has shut down? It just seemed too risky.

Rent for my apartment is $870 a month. It was due on April 1, but I wasn’t able to pay. I’ve never missed a payment before, and fortunately, my landlord has been understanding. She said that she would give me free time and I can pay her back when I find a job.

My family’s health is more important than anything right now. I am trying to stay positive, but I don’t know how much longer I will be able to live like this.

Last week I ran out of food. A friend who distributes food for domestic workers at the Miami Workers Center told me to come by. Now my son and I are eating canned soup, some small bags of rice, chicken and cans of tuna. They gave me milk, water and spaghetti. This food will last us for a week. It is just enough to get by.

The National Domestic Workers Alliance is raising money to support domestic workers who have lost their jobs because of the coronavirus. Many of us do not qualify for the federal stimulus that is sending out checks to workers because we are not United States citizens. The alliance’s goal is to raise $4 million for 10,000 care workers, which will amount to $400 per person. Hopefully this money will arrive within a week. While this is a help, it won’t last long. First I’ll buy food, then use whatever is left over to pay part of my rent to my landlord.

The virus highlights how much domestic workers need protections, just like everyone else. Many nannies, house cleaners and other domestic workers are not entitled to severance pay, paid sick leave, health and unemployment insurance or other benefits that would help us survive this pandemic.

Every day I wake up and worry about what will happen the next day, the next week. I don’t know how I will make it through. For now, I am living day to day.

But I keep faith. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe the coronavirus will teach us that we need to change the system that views domestic workers like me as disposable. We still have time to change.

We need everyone to treat domestic workers like human beings. We deserve respect and a seat at the table. Our work has value. Without us, you cannot do your jobs. Just as we need you to survive, you need us.

(Published in its entirety from the New York Times; By Melissa L. St. Hilaire- Ms. St. Hilaire is a home care aide. She told her story to Devi Lockwood, a fellow in the Times Opinion section).

Day 26: The virus won't kill businesses; a lack of solid business sense will

PS: the woman who owns the pastry shop emailed back (I emailed them to say I was disappointed) to ask why (I have a feeling she probably doesn’t know how much the courier was asking) and she was really nice!! She didn’t really have to email, but just wanted to express her frustration about obviously, why these things are happening.

And we should get it really, shouldn’t we? There’s so much being asked from all of us, that to be aggravated over something as trivial as cake is really not worth it in the scheme of things.

I scammed, well not really. Thought I had it good buying not one but two birthday cakes for Wednesday and it turns out that it was too good to be true. Ordered them, got an update they were in production and then someone rings me clarifying if I knew that the courier cost wasn’t quite correct. How much is it, I ask the person on the phone who sounded Filipino. When he told me the cost, I couldn't help myself.

“A hundred and twenty fucking dollars for a $67 cake??” I replied trying not to scream. “I’m cancelling it ’ I said without even waiting for his reply and hung up.

I just hate the pretentiousness of CBD establishments and their stupid nonsensical zoning delivery areas- uhm, sorry but your address is out of our zone. Bitch, you’re only 20 kilometres away, but you know what, if this is how you do business at a time when you NEED business, good luck.

I would have paid a $100 for the cake, but not the other way around.

It’s a shame, but I did hear rave reviews for this French pastry shop.

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Day 25: The true essentials

It’s day 25- this is what worked and what didn’t.

Day 24: Saturday

..and because food is never far away from my mind, I did some baking today. Nothing really complicated or expensive- I didn't even have to buy anything special because I have all the ingredients in the pantry.

It’s a simple lemon cake with a sugary-lemony drizzle; the recipe is from the NY Times of course which you can find here.

Day 23: Friday

I started writing something in the morning but work got in the way, so here we are, with photos again. I suddenly remembered that I have Google Photos; I think these were from Instagram and as you can see, food is never far away from my mind.

Day 22: Work, work, work

Don’t want to talk about it really, work I mean.

Today the government announced going down an alert level next week, but nothing much will change really. I think this is more of an easing for businesses who keep complaining about draining profits. Malls and restaurants will still be closed, but there will be more deliveries- McDonalds, KFC anyone? But food deliveries are expensive so aside from that one KFC meal, I’d stick to going to the supermarket which I enjoy, and cooking my own meals.

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Day 19: You're allowed one 'unproductive' day

Well, not really when I’ve managed to get a head-start for tomorrow’s work schedule; read all the documents; tested the new builds in the back-end; fixed up my documentation notes. When I was younger I didn't have much of a strong study ethic because I didn't see any value in it for me, but now I do. Nothing is worse than coming up to a Monday unprepared mentally and physically.

And there’s no excuse because as an adult with adult resources at your disposal, you can be prepared- your clothes (I always wear nicer things on Monday); your face (I wind down early on Sunday so I could rest earlier than usual); your lunch (I make my best lunches on Mondays); your tasks- I check all my emails and my scheduled meetings and make a mental map of how I’m going to tackle the day ahead.

And today was no different- but other than that, I didn’t do anything else. Finally finished the Netflix show The Final Table where the eventual winner was someone who didn’t have much of a personality and because everyone worked in teams before the finals, was also someone who didn’t seem to put in the work as much as the other guy who also made it to the finals (that’s what we see anyway on screen).

And there’s a lesson there actually that I should remember - don’t be too prepared; don’t be that bitch who always makes it a point to be too extra. Life is too short- and uncalculated- for you to be always calculating when you can actually relax once in a while. Loaf around. Do nothing for a change. Just this once.

The unassuming Tim Hollingsworth won Netflix’ The Final Table, with a dish he’s cooked before, that trumped the inventiveness and audacity of his competitors. At the end of the day, even chefs who call themselves progressive stick to old habits and …

The unassuming Tim Hollingsworth won Netflix’ The Final Table, with a dish he’s cooked before, that trumped the inventiveness and audacity of his competitors. At the end of the day, even chefs who call themselves progressive stick to old habits and inevitably pick a dish that is neither inventive nor bold, but settled and perfect.

Day 18: Easter

This is not the Easter I know.

My mom spent an Easter with us once in New Zealand and we were looking for fish or seafood and we found squid at Pan N Save that still had ink- they forgot to clean it- and we had to beg and explain to the person at the counter that we wanted it that way.

I remember the long, quiet days when we were little which I didn’t mind; and when we were older, the purely social excursions to church for the Stations of the Cross, where you dressed up and checked out (and judged) everyone you saw. I think I was 13 or 14 and I got obsessed with penny-loafer shoes which I wore with no socks and pegged jeans. I did get them though how, I cannot remember (nor why I was obsessed with them in the first place) and wore them (with a white shirt ) to church to do the Stations of the Cross.

I was looking at my feet the entire time and to this day I can remember their satisfying click on the stone floors and how the new, stiff leather chaffed at my feet but which I didn't mind.

I bought the lamb online- butterflied and boneless South Island grass-fed lamb. For dessert, I thought of making the hot-cross buns we’ve been keeping in the freezer into a bread and butter pudding.

The stuff I would swap for lamb- charcoal-grilled bangus with squid cooked in its ink and vinegar; pan-fried tilapia with a squash flower salad dressed in calamansi and fish-sauce; steamed river shrimps with an egg omelet. And the best Easter Sunday lunch? Lechon.

But this is the Easter I now celebrate so…

Day 17: Nothing much

Found a few more clothes in the garage that I’ve barely worn; and they’re clothes that aren’t exactly cheap. Ugh I know- it’s some form of addiction- buying clothes. My mom has always said that I’ve gotten my vanity from Tatay…well. So I laundered them, did an electronic mail-out for work, tried but failed to find resistance bands that I thought were in the garage, and did exercises with weights.

Exercises- still something I haven’t been able to fully do, along with writing and drawing..life is hard!

I also read somewhere that the corona virus can travel up to 13 feet, and that samples taken from the shoe soles of medical staff working with Covid-19 patients tested positive; that if you weren't cautious, your damn shoes can be carriers of the virus!

Did roast pork-belly but I still have to find that fool-proof recipe for really tender- but not falling off the bone tender- meat. Used individual springform pans for scalloped potatoes and kumara and next time, I should just omit kumara. It’s just too sweet! Might try and do a spiced kumara pie or something next time.

Did trendy charred broccoli and realised that I should have blanched it before-hand; it was a bit too al dente and there’s a fine line between burnt and charred.

Day 15: An essentially lazy day

This was a day-off, one of my days in lieu that i needed to get rid off. It was supposed to be rainy, even stormy but Auckland’s dysfunctional weather system was true to form. Tricked me to doing laundry and 2 hours later, in the middle of bawling over Youtube videos of child-singers and their sappy stories, I had to run outside to bring the washing in before everything was totally drenched.

I could have left it outside, but I have this belief that rain is essentially dirty; and that clothes that get drenched in the rain and later dry out, are dirty- contaminated. But that’s just me. I later dumped the clothes in the dryer and couldn’t be bothered hanging them back up.

But it was an otherwise lazy day. I did check my email several times, answered a few urgent ones. Our project manager rang my office phone line- it was off- like a million times- this woman who the other day, could barely talk with a throat infection that wasn’t Covid-19, but was severe enough that she declared she was taking a break. And now she was calling again. Totally ignored her.

-wiped down the kitchen with a Dettol disinfectant and the smell reminded me of my Tatay’s (my mum’s dad) fondness for Lysol- that hospital-y, piney smell.
- Watched ‘The First Wives Club’ on Netflix. I have this thing with watching movies I’ve already seen; I skip through the non-exciting parts and finish the movine in 15 or 20 minutes.
- Went through my ‘shopping list’ again but I really shouldn't . I don’t need new pants, hoodies, these nice transitional henley shirts, a new winter jacket, a new pair of glasses. Actually I do, but I’m not convinced that they’re NOT essential.

For dinner, finally made a version of ‘laing’ that I’ve always wanted to do with neither traditional gabi/taro leaves or fish-paste (bagoong). And it worked. Swiss chard or silverbeet is similar to gabi and holds itself well when you cook down the coconut milk to that point where the sauce is thick. You still want that saltiness that you get from bagoong but I thought that more than saltiness, it’s that umami flavour you want and thought that anchovies would be the perfect substitute. And it was.

The one thing I would change would be the choice of pork cut- I used pork scotch which I didn’t render well. I would use pork belly the next time which I would pan-fry until crisp.

Interruptions: A whole lot of them

The thing with remote work is that it’s still what our work hours are and that we’re connected to our phone system through the duration of those hours. Though I’m pretty sure some remote workers out there may have Youtube or Netflix open, I’m not one of those, nor can even afford to be distracted anyway.

So viewing is only usually after cooking and eating dinner, and in those hours on the weekends after or in-between chores. Sadly as I have discovered, rooms and clothes don’t get cleaned magically (as they used to back home).

In reality, I don’t watch that much; but these are what’s on the menu when I am…

Day 11: Productivity works best if you're used to it

This is an interesting article in the NY Times, (Stop Trying to Be Productive) because in a lot of ways, it’s true. Like I see a lot of fitness stuff (fitness influencers are having the time of their lives right now) and I think- good luck with that! Lucky for you with winter coming, you can hide those pounds acquired from all that panic-buying under your winter layers 😂.

My advantage is that I’m used to it. Before living in New Zealand, and back home in Pangasinan, I spent three lucrative years doing ‘freelance writing’ after quitting work at the Provincial Government. It was 24/7 and full on in front of your computer the whole day. I’d take a breather and finish at 6pm after which I’d either go out on my motorcycle or bicycle, or go drinking with friends. On weekends, I’d let the help rest and I would buy and cook anything I wanted for the family (my mom and my brother and his family). I really didn't go anywhere else and my circle of friends was small and I never did see them that often. I never deviated from that schedule though I went to the gym on and off.

When I got to New Zealand, it was more of the same and even more so because I don’t drive. Weekends are the library, or the mall, and making meals of course.

Probably the only thing that I miss is going to the supermarket because yes, I go to the shops nearly everyday. While I can plan meals seven days in advance in my head, there is a day when I suddenly don’t like to make what I had planned. A food ingredient, or a craving or a dish’s complexity would trigger it and I would reshuffle in my head, all the ingredients I have on hand and see if I need to get something I don’t have in my pantry.

Otherwise, easing into this is like slipping into your pajamas. Sure, I’d like to do more and be more ambitious like everyone else, but it’s really one chore at a time which I’m ticking off. People don’t realise that accomplishing even what seems to be the smallest of things is in itself, a big deal; eg. we would grab a paper napkin, or posted mail to use as a coaster when we’re in the lounge with drinks so we wouldn’t ruin the surface of this $800 coffee-table we bought a couple of months ago. Today, I went to the garage and hunted down these left-over ceramic tile pieces that we threw out, sanded the bottom and now they’re on the coffee-table as coasters- took all of 20 minutes. I finally also repurposed a plant-pot into a pencil and pen and finally got to organise all the drawing stuff I have still in their boxes; and as a result, out of their boxes, I was able to clear my desk and have space for other things.

I also cleaned the bathroom; sorted my shoes; looked up a site where we could buy lamb for Easter and vacuumed (you can never vacuum enough).

And yes, as I’ve planned, I was able to make an apple and feijoa crumble as well.

Being truly productive is using the time you have for things that really matter to you- and not from what you see or read from the goddamned Internet.