That I start drawing and painting without thinking that I need another gadget to do it (upgrading from my ‘old’ iPad pro to the newer one + the floating keyboard).
Start on that novel/short-story collection
Abs! It’s there, I can see it, but I don’t know how to make it show or if I’d want to lose any more weight to get it.
Start driving and getting a license
Be able to visit New York (who knows when it’s actually safe to travel again).
That Trump LOSES in November. I really shouldn’t care, but deep inside I do.
That I learn something new and useful in the next 4 months.
Can’t think of anything more really- leave it up to God to make the rest happen
Day 27: Before you complain about courier fees for fancy cakes, read this
I was fired because of the Coronavirus
MIAMI — For the past year, I have cared for a 95-year-old woman. I went to her family’s home, watched TV with her, talked to her and gave her medication. We shared stories. I made her food: bread with butter or peanut butter. Noodle soup was her favorite. We made each other laugh.
On March 16, when I arrived at work, the woman’s daughter opened the door and pulled me aside to talk.
“I don’t want anybody to bring the virus into my house,” she said. “Friday will be your last day of work.”
She told me that she needed to have control over her home, her children and her mother.
“I don’t want any strangers coming in,” she said. That included me.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked.
“When everything is under control, I’ll call you,” she said. I haven’t heard from her since.
I considered myself to be part of her family. It hurt. My boss viewed me as an outsider — as a risk to her own health.
I live with my son, Emanuel, who is 6. Right now, we are just trying to survive. In my job, I made $80 per day. My hours were flexible. Sometimes I worked three days a week, sometimes four or five. When the family called me, I would go.
I never made enough to have savings. And I don’t know how I will find another job now. Very few businesses in Miami are hiring. Restaurants are open only for takeout and have laid off many of their workers. A friend told me that working for Amazon might be a possibility. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that working in a big warehouse with lots of other people could be a bad idea during a pandemic. I don’t have any health insurance and I can’t afford to get sick. Who would care for my son, especially now that his school has shut down? It just seemed too risky.
Rent for my apartment is $870 a month. It was due on April 1, but I wasn’t able to pay. I’ve never missed a payment before, and fortunately, my landlord has been understanding. She said that she would give me free time and I can pay her back when I find a job.
My family’s health is more important than anything right now. I am trying to stay positive, but I don’t know how much longer I will be able to live like this.
Last week I ran out of food. A friend who distributes food for domestic workers at the Miami Workers Center told me to come by. Now my son and I are eating canned soup, some small bags of rice, chicken and cans of tuna. They gave me milk, water and spaghetti. This food will last us for a week. It is just enough to get by.
The National Domestic Workers Alliance is raising money to support domestic workers who have lost their jobs because of the coronavirus. Many of us do not qualify for the federal stimulus that is sending out checks to workers because we are not United States citizens. The alliance’s goal is to raise $4 million for 10,000 care workers, which will amount to $400 per person. Hopefully this money will arrive within a week. While this is a help, it won’t last long. First I’ll buy food, then use whatever is left over to pay part of my rent to my landlord.
The virus highlights how much domestic workers need protections, just like everyone else. Many nannies, house cleaners and other domestic workers are not entitled to severance pay, paid sick leave, health and unemployment insurance or other benefits that would help us survive this pandemic.
Every day I wake up and worry about what will happen the next day, the next week. I don’t know how I will make it through. For now, I am living day to day.
But I keep faith. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe the coronavirus will teach us that we need to change the system that views domestic workers like me as disposable. We still have time to change.
We need everyone to treat domestic workers like human beings. We deserve respect and a seat at the table. Our work has value. Without us, you cannot do your jobs. Just as we need you to survive, you need us.
(Published in its entirety from the New York Times; By Melissa L. St. Hilaire- Ms. St. Hilaire is a home care aide. She told her story to Devi Lockwood, a fellow in the Times Opinion section).
Day 26: The virus won't kill businesses; a lack of solid business sense will
PS: the woman who owns the pastry shop emailed back (I emailed them to say I was disappointed) to ask why (I have a feeling she probably doesn’t know how much the courier was asking) and she was really nice!! She didn’t really have to email, but just wanted to express her frustration about obviously, why these things are happening.
And we should get it really, shouldn’t we? There’s so much being asked from all of us, that to be aggravated over something as trivial as cake is really not worth it in the scheme of things.
I scammed, well not really. Thought I had it good buying not one but two birthday cakes for Wednesday and it turns out that it was too good to be true. Ordered them, got an update they were in production and then someone rings me clarifying if I knew that the courier cost wasn’t quite correct. How much is it, I ask the person on the phone who sounded Filipino. When he told me the cost, I couldn't help myself.
“A hundred and twenty fucking dollars for a $67 cake??” I replied trying not to scream. “I’m cancelling it ’ I said without even waiting for his reply and hung up.
I just hate the pretentiousness of CBD establishments and their stupid nonsensical zoning delivery areas- uhm, sorry but your address is out of our zone. Bitch, you’re only 20 kilometres away, but you know what, if this is how you do business at a time when you NEED business, good luck.
I would have paid a $100 for the cake, but not the other way around.
It’s a shame, but I did hear rave reviews for this French pastry shop.
Day 22: Work, work, work
Don’t want to talk about it really, work I mean.
Today the government announced going down an alert level next week, but nothing much will change really. I think this is more of an easing for businesses who keep complaining about draining profits. Malls and restaurants will still be closed, but there will be more deliveries- McDonalds, KFC anyone? But food deliveries are expensive so aside from that one KFC meal, I’d stick to going to the supermarket which I enjoy, and cooking my own meals.
Day 21: Supermarket chores
The line wasn’t too bad. A few shelves were still empty though I couldn’t tell what products were in them. Shoppers were mostly relaxed but you get the odd, panicky one wearing full gear- mask, gloves, thick hazmat-like jacket- flitting from aisle to aisle, going as far around you as possible. Older shoppers ironically, were the most relaxed which is like saying to the virus, fuck you.
While we actually have two weeks worth of food, I just couldn’t help it really. I’ve never minded the lockdown, but I really can’t stand not going to the supermarket.
Here’s the full list of what I bought:
Brioche Chocolate Hot Cross Buns 6pk, 4.70
Macro Free Range Chicken, 14.18
Molenberg Bread Original Toast, 3.40
Coke Zero 1.5 litres x 3, 8.40
Delmaine Worcester Sauce, 3.99
Delmaine Manuka BBQ Sauce, 3.99
White Wine Vinegar, 4.39
Madewell Teriyaki Sauce, 3.00
Reeses Pieces Eggs x 2, 4.00
Moccona Coffee Instant, 20.99
Moccona Capsules Ristretto, 7.99
Dragon Phoenix Fried Shallots, 2.55
Greggs Bay Leaves, 4.39
Baileys Coffee Pods, 6.00
Turks Free Range Chicken Kransky, 7.00
CD Streaky Bacon, 18.00
Cabbage quarter, 1.30
UHT Milk x 2, 3.80
Lemons, 8.50
Greggs Ground Chilli powder, 2.39
Peanut Butter, 5.70
Cranberry Nut medley, 9.00
Golden Days Sesame Snaps, 2.70
Bluebird chips, 2.70
Doritos 15pk, 5.00
Cucumber x 1, 2.30
Grand total: $160.00
Seven years in a minute and 25
Day 20: Monday
Ugh Monday. Burger King went to receivership today which doesn’t surprise me or anyone I know who’s mentioned it. Nobody goes to Burger King anymore unless you had a choice. I used to worship the Big Whooper a million years ago and we know that fast food evolves with demand and economics, but I think BK hasn’t kept up. They just introduced the plant-based Rebel Whooper a few weeks back and I loved it, but if you didn’t know what it was made of, you’d think it was the same burger as everything else.
The day went by quickly today which is good- it’s good to be busy, it’s good to be working.
On one hand, my work Mac is dying I think- nothing dramatic because this is Apple for you- which is a collective body of little symptoms, longer than usual pauses between applications, some lag, a very faint humming of its seven-year old cores. I have two (Macs) by the way and my newer one I chose to leave at the office- I think that fingers crossed, I’d be able to finish the lockdown without having to go to the office to swap this out.
Anyways, made a short video of some of the photos/selfies I have on Photo Booth- got tired not even near midway so the caption is incorrect; it’s not 7 years- more like the first three. Yes- I’ve basically taken a photo of myself nearly every-day.
I promise though that I look exactly the same towards the end.
Day 16: Photos from around the house
Coz you need to ‘see’; all taken with the Nikon Z 6 with a Nikon Z 24-70mm f/5 S lens
Day 14: Essential skin-care
I can’t remember when I started taking care of my skin, but it would obviously have to be when i would have started earning some money. Skin-care costs. Before the lock-down, I had to double check if I had enough to last the month. I go through a lot of brands simply because I can see (and feel) my skin changing all the time and I need to be able to use products that would address those changes. Trying out a lot of products also gives you first-hand knowledge of what to use.
But there are two things that remain the same; 1) I always use sun-screen and 2) I NEVER fail to clean my face and put on some product before I go to bed.
Only recently, I have added to my regimen, an eye cream, a serum and a facial oil. I also avoid washing my face too often, or using hot water to wash my face. A big help would also have to be the habit of drinking a lot of water which I used to hate (drank lots of coffee instead). And proper sleep- a full 8 hours or more, also helps.
I currently use a lot of Khiel’s products simply because they work (Rare Earth Pore Minimising lotion, Youth Dose Eye Treatment, Oil Eliminator Shine Control Toner and the Ultra Light Daily UV Defense Gel). I augment these with Neutrogena’s Rapid Wrinkle Repair serum and its Hydro-Boost Night Concentrate, alternating it on some nights with Revitalift Night Cream by LOreal.
If I see specials at the supermarket (anything under $15) like facial oils, I’d get them. Though the years, there have been more than a few that didn't quite work (and trust me I know because I look at my face closely everyday) which you can tell just by sight or feel. Oil of Olay for one and all of its variants has never really worked but I never threw them away or chucked them in a cabinet. I use them on my neck for example or my butt- yes my butt. At the end of the day, they still have skin-improving qualities so it doesn't matter what skin it is you’re using it on.
I first heard about the brand The Ordinary when its founder, Brandon Truaxe committed suicide by throwing himself off his Toronto apartment. Deciem, the company he founded calls itself the ‘abnormal beauty company’ and has the lofty self-description of ‘clinical formulations with integrity’.
Basically most of the products only contain one active ingredient and the company doesn't do traditional marketing and advertising. In Truaxe’s own words: “beauty products as they’ve been traditionally sold and marketed are just a bunch of fluff being created, a bunch of fluff being bought, and a bunch of fluff being sold.”
I bought Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% (high strength vitamin and mineral blemish formula because I think I’ve congested my skin with far too much use of sun-screen); Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5 (hydration support with ultra-pure vegan Hyaluronic Acid); and the Caffeine Solution 5% for my eyes. Total cost= $48. In comparison, my Khiel’s eye-cream is $65 for just 15ml.
For some of us, coming out of this lockdown looking physically good as ever, is part and parcel of maximising all the time you’ve had at home.
What to do in the time of pandemics?
Just stay at home really and probably not spend too much money. Maybe we need this. Maybe this is the (soft) reset humanity needs to see exactly what its priorities are. And I believe these are mine, or at least something better to do than twiddling your thumbs.
Toni is 19 and in the blink of an eye, I'll be 50
I should be panicking but it’s not my birthday. And I never panic- not over stuff like aging or climate change anyway. I panic when I can’t decide between last year’s Ultraboost 19 at $100 off or this year’s edition in the cloud white variant. I panic when I can’t have bacon next Saturday because I had bacon two weeks ago. I feel that the world is ending, but I know that it would wobble along for quite a few decades along still and while I don’t give a fuck what happens to me, I have this ache in the pit of my chest, for my sibling’s children and their children at what they’re going to face.
But what can we do?
Well, let’s celebrate for as long as there’s someone to continue the family line, we’ll do everything in our power to ensure that they get far in life, achieve their dreams, find happiness and more importantly, become kind and compassionate people.
Saturday
I tried out the DJI Mavic Mini for the 1st time today and I felt anxious.
What is it about driving- whether it be a car or a damned drone- that makes me anxious?
The long weekend
Something is wrong with my wrist. It feels like something in it is broken, pinched or both. I don’t even remember having a moment when I may have injured it.
I could lift a dumbbell and do push-ups, but the motion of brushing my teeth or drying my back with a towel, hand bent backwards, hurts. I’m seeing my GP anyway next week so I’ve been advised to have it logged and if I need an X-ray or a specialist then hopefully, he’ll recommend something.
So lately, I’ve been trying to use my left hand more. I figured that why should we agonise over something that’s broken when we have a perfectly okay alternative? Well…it’s harder than you think 😂.
Movements you take for granted such as brushing your teeth, vacuuming or peeling an apple become a struggle for precision with your non-dominant hand. I know it’s wired, but if it’s your own brain, can you really not crack it?
#StillTrying
It's like Christmas!
I mean work bought it, but still…
The Nikon Z6
Hooked on images
I’m so dependent on images to prompt me to write something that unable to find anything suitable, I can’t seem to think of anything to write. It’s like being physically blind.
Reading back on my diary entries, I also struggle to remember the context of something I had written. My mind’s eye tries to picture those visual triggers and unable to recall them, it seems like I’m reading a stranger’s thoughts. This is serious, no?
Starting tomorrow- NO PHOTOS for blog entries. For as long as I can.
You need to walk untethered, like you used to.
You have to be fit
Your clothes are sorted; your schedule is tight; you’ve brought great lunches (and bringing home your lunch box everyday instead of leaving it at the office). You’re holding steady..but you feel like shit. And it’s nothing major (you hope not), like an oncoming stroke, or God forbid, some heart problem (you never know).
You just feel like blah.
And meh.
You go for a run and feel slightly better, but it seems that you need more, so much more.
The Morning Routine
In an ideal world, my perfect morning would be:
1. Waking up at 4:30am perfectly refreshed
2. A light, 5 minute stretch and a drink of lukewam, distilled water
3. Brewing myself a cup of black coffee I relax in the lounge..
4. ..while I read the NY Times…
5. At 5:30, doing four sets of push-ups and dumb-bell presses before..
6. Having a shower, followed by..
7. ..a 15-minute facial prepping…
8. Then off to work, 15 minutes ahead of everyone else
But in reality, this morning was like
1. Snoozing the alarm when it went off at 5:30. I had this awful dream where I went on the ferry without paying.
2. Coffee in the lounge, with a quick scan of the NY Times before being distracted by Instagram (I still have our company account which I’ve created and maintain).
3. Taking too long doing facial prepping and forgetting we needed to get out of the house at 6:30
4. Taking the train and thinking of breaking this awful morning routine by having a small breakfast at Burger King, writing a blog post and being creative and shit.
5. Arrived at Burger King and it was closed- it apparently opens at 7am.
6. 7am comes and the goddamned fucking store is still closed, so I just left.
Start of the working week
We have to eat, pay our mortgage, prepare for retirement, buy another $5,000 Apple product 😅.
I had to clear about 160+ emails from one work email address alone so I thought it best to avoid the back-to-work-gossip-catch-up fest by working from home on Monday. And while working, I managed to click on a site showing what the the Year of the Rat was going to be like. I was avoiding this, pretending that a decade hadn’t actually passed but then I saw that the start of the decade was heralded by the rat sign- MY SIGN!
I’m not into specifics (you will find great fortune this year) or abstractions (this year will find you more lucid and open) but I’ll gladly take positivity and put it into my head. There is nothing to lose by moving your work station just because anything north facing this year at least for me, augurs bad fortune.
Besides, how am I going to do great, creative work (again, foretold by my sign) this year working on a small table?
Moved my home work station away from its north-facing area
My work station at work (!) and yes, you can never have enough iMacs.
A new Moleskine notebook and a Lamy pen which were Christmas gifts, seem to present the perfect opportunity to start a diary, right Lei?
Never too late to start a diary
I’ve never done a diary partly because I’ve never really developed a good penmanship. And there was always a type-writer or my dad’s secretary Rebecca who typed up my short-stories. To this day, I wonder how she transcribed it; it’s either I wrote the manuscript out painstakingly well, or she completely deciphered what I had written, because a whole lot of them got published.
But I’ve come to realise after a few entries that writing by hand is a much more enforceable discipline. I don’t waver or question my thoughts as much as I often do lately with blogging. My penmanship is the same awful upper-case printed mess, but it doesn't bother me. I’ve had enough of reasons that turn out in the end to be just excuses.
I’ve done an entry since the new year; here’s to the rest of the year and beyond.
Has it been 10 years?
Apparently, a decade has passed; sorry but I didn’t notice because I wasn’t counting.
New Year’s Eve/at Emma’s
The only song I could recognise was Avril Lavigne; He wanted her/ She'd never tell/ Secretly she wanted him as well/ But all of her friends/ Stuck up their nose/They had a problem with his baggy clothes. High school never changes, only the people do. When we started the countdown, mirroring something we found on the internet on someone’s phone, 12 midnight had actually already passed; our Apple watches had already announced the new year with tiny fireworks blooming on our wrists. But we counted down anyway. And again for good measure.
For what is time, or 25 and 47, or 1985 and 2050? It’s all relative. From the past to the future, everything is going in one direction.
I left Instagram today
The photo above was the last one I posted on Instagram a couple of days ago before disabling my account today. The accompanying text for the photo was a bit from a NY Times article about how much social media has been monetised to the extent that by just signing up, someone profits, BUT IT’S NOT YOU.
I create content for a living, so to do all this for free is bullshit; and ‘all this’ is; tens of thousands of dollars of tech equipment, at least 6 accounted hours every week on the app; unaccounted hours spent looking, taking and processing image for posting. Is it everyone’s dream to become an influencer? To be that uhm, viral sensation? Sure- but we’re also happy to just be ordinary, posters of our cats, our lunches and our non-designer branded shoes. But it just bugs me that there is an underbelly to all this; why can’t we simply share without it being a hidden transaction that is one-sided?
So goodbye Instagram. Here’s to putting those hours to better use- for my own benefit.