Anti-vaxxers
The Taliban
The Russian government
The Chinese government
Republicans
Belated happy birthday Lei
This is time. You just don’t see how fast it’s going probably because maybe, it’s not real. Not real in the way you think anyway. Our cat Lily sleeps most of the day. In between, she eats, poops over the storm drain on the curb (I’ve seen her do it twice, squatting gingerly over the grates), follows scents or tries to pick fights with other cats. But she sleeps most of the time, and if you think of it, this is probably the most important thing it does in its life. It seems like it’s nothing, but it’s fundamental to its existence.
I wouldn’t even try to think what is fundamental to humanity’s existence anymore. When I try, I hit this ceiling in my consciousness and I’m like, yeah, I don’t really care. Hitting this ceiling physically hurts; and it puts me in a foul mood, a nasty spiral of negativity and toxicity where the only outlet is lashing out (pointlessly) on social media, where thankfully, I’ve been banned and it’s fine with me, because it was the only way out of that motherfucking hole.
But I’m really more concerned with what’s fundamental to me. Is it work? Is it some lifelong dream put on the back burner for far too long? Is it proving that you are this, or that? Is it learning something as stupidly simple as driving (maybe it’s not so simple); or taking on an endeavour we used to think wasn’t us, like a business? Is spending over $4,000 a year on clothes really me?
I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. I feel like I don’t have enough time as I used to. Or maybe I do.
Maybe I’ll do what Lily the cat does - just relax. Sleep.
Birthdays
?
There’s a photo of me about to blow a candle or candles on a cake. I’m wearing my good clothes; a short-sleeved polo shirt and pants. The shirt has some prints on it but I believe it’s basically white. I’m not sure though because the photo is black and white. All the neighbourhood kids crowd around me and I remember some of the faces, some of whom were kids much older than me. I’m probably standing on a high bench, hunched over the cake, my short arms solidly planted on both sides. I look like a princeling biding my time as if waiting for instructions from the photographer when to blow the cake. I look neither happy nor sad. I look business-like; as if I somehow knew how all this was going to play out.
I don’t remember how old I was, and I couldn’t remember how many candles there were on the cake which would’ve given than information.
20 - 30
Can’t remember at all.
40
It was a good year, but I just didn't feel like announcing it because it seemed that I already was, on Facebook. The word ‘blessed’ was being bandied around as if God was in a great mood and was passing good fortune around like party favours. I finally learned this - I don’t need to explain my life to anyone but you can always ask me. And guess what? Nobody does. Deleted my Facebook account and celebrated it by cooking three dishes I had been craving.
Thank you for the gifts!
Easter postscript
Feeling just a bit running on low, work-wise and thinking there was going to be a break soon - like a long holiday - when I realised I had worked through the holidays.
I don’t mind it to be honest. I enjoy the work; I enjoy the privilege of it; It gives me a chance to prove that I deserve that privilege; and these aside, the overtime $$$$$$ is a nice cushion.
But I feel damned tired which I keep trying to brush away as half-mental….I’m nearly convinced though.
Easter - or Lent - in the Philippines is a far memory. As far as my inability to be able to look inward like I used to without all the crutches I have now- the phone, the internet, this satisfying, contented life.
I don’t even commune with Him like I used to and I think, I’ve become that Catholic I used to mock; those who pray only when they need something. And do I have everything then? I’d like to say that I’ve always been practical and specific about the things I want so yes, I think I have everything I think I need and wanted.
There are a couple of things however that are beyond the power of prayer - still working on those.
Today Feb 14
Happy Valentines! I felt like buying chocolates- for myself of course but then thought nah. I’ve begun putting a tiny bit of brown sugar into my espressos lately, so I should be cautious of over-doing it. Don’t want to be suddenly diabetic.
Auckland goes into another lockdown today as there are three Covid cases of still unknown origin in the community.I could say ugh, but I actually welcome it- you get to control the spread, and you get some quality work done at home without all the office distraction. Win-win really.
Plus we get to spend some quality time with our new cat Lily; and get to write; and get to work-out.
Triple win and fuck Covid!
Today Feb 12
Protect your tree
I have a favourite tree at the Papakura Central Park. It is some sort of pine. When I pass by it, I always stop and put my hands on its trunk, my eyes closed for a moment. Being connected to a living organism is not stupid; but developers who can’t work their way around them are. Would I protest when my favourite tree is in danger of being cut down? I won’t be as brave, but this kid is.
People who voted for Trump are also complicit
If you’re watching the Trump Impeachment Proceedings The Sequel, you’d know that it’s pointless reasoning with a party that sacrificed their testicles at the altar of Trump. So now the House Democrats want to convince the 73 million or so who voted for him. Good luck with that! Those stupid turds are even worse.
Purchase
I bought an adjustable weights bench for $154 on Trade Me. It came unassembled of course like everything else in this country. But putting it together wasn’t as hard as I thought. It actually gives you an idea on how sturdy it is; let’s put it this way- it’s just right for my 5 foot 8 and a half, 74 kilogram frame. Any heavier = 👻. So officially starting on weight training again which I’ve postponed for the longest time.
Law of nature says, only the fittest survive
And this applies to businesses as well. Queenstown is still moaning about its situation and still deaf, blind and dumb to the reality of 2021 which hasn't changed much from 2020- Covid is still raging; vaccines are not the 100% guaranteed fix we expected them to be; we still need to have our borders closed. The loss of a business is not comparable to people getting sick and dying, period.
Peace of mind is...
Being suspended from Twitter; everyone needs intervention- like Donald Trump- and me. It’s like being super-drunk at your own birthday party I guess, is the perfect analogy. It’s your birthday but someone still has to be somewhat responsible for you when you start being a danger to yourself.
Not looking at online stores too much and thinking you need another pair of jeans; of course you do need another pair of good jeans, but it’s now thinking beyond that and visualising about what happens when you don’t buy it. Turns out, there’s no difference except that you’ve saved that $280 for something else.
Going to bed and not thinking of anything at all; or thinking of possibilities, instead of what-ifs. I do sleep well but discovered lately that I can maximise the benefits of a good night’s sleep by choosing to think of creative things.
Cleaning up, everyday
Creative projects; will reveal details soon
Nothing really new
I wouldn’t be too quick to say goodbye to 2020 just yet; the New Year seems to have been just a short reprieve; a short if not necessary break; a short bridge where looking over your shoulder, you still see that motherfucking Donald Trump, a new Covid variant, and shoes which in hindsight you should’ve bought but didn’t.
The holidays 2020
Christmas was good.
Everyone that I love and care about (shockingly not that very many) are safe and well; I ate what I wanted (my top priority for the holidays); I gave a ton of great gifts, got a ton in return; work is humming, and Trump is OUT.
Managing chaos
Do you sometimes get the sense that no matter what you do, the normal state of things is really chaos and disorder?
I have heaps of work leave so on days when my boss is away and when there are no deadlines or pressing work stuff, I would take the day off in order to ‘put things in order’ as I would describe it. For me, relaxation and a calm mental state is not possible when your side-table is dusty, there is a pile of unsorted laundry, or there are no meals set for the last two days of the working week.
But even as i get everything done, there is always that feeling of undoing- everything would be undone again later, tomorrow or in two days. And what if you were sick and physically unable to maintain it? Who would do it? How would you do it?
It seems that no matter how good and efficient you are, you can’t win against time. Against disorder. Against death and decay.
But oh well! That's life. There’s also comfort in the thought that I have no plans of stopping, no plans of not trying. Just give me a minute will you, to catch my breath and I’ll get onto it…
The List of Things To Do:
Proper gardening
Studying Google Analytics
Read four books by the end of 2020
Bake a complicated cake
Gym and general bodywork
Write a new short story before the end of the year
sort my mountain of clothes
finish one proper artwork
make a complicated dish
write a letter and post it
Today's thought
When I was about Chini’s age, I occasionally questioned life itself- why was I here? How did we get here? Was there something beyond? It wasn’t at all a scientific or religious or supernatural question. It was simply being hyper-aware of your physical body and projecting your mind outward out of it, if that makes sense.
And I sort of succeeded, like an out of body experience but I was awake. I was able to untether myself- maybe it was disassociation? But whatever it was, it felt weird because nothing really happened, but something did happen. The feeling I got was an immense, but comforting sadness. I didn't get any answers, but I felt it- knew innately, that even as it was out of reach or sight, it was out there.
As I got older, I’ve tried to do it again but couldn't .
Ironically, my own mind is in the way. Imagine standing in front of a thick forest and the shortest way is straight through it, but I always resist. My mind is telling me that there are other ways, other routes. And I believe it.
My legs feel heavy, or I think they are. Or that I have a headache, except that I never really get headaches.
I spend weekends thinking that the greatest barriers to my life are my mountains of unorganised clothes or shoes; or that I need more of them to conquer challenges and fulfil aspirations (dressed in style of course); or that an epiphany is one amazing dish away, the flavour of which is the trigger; or that cleanliness and efficiency- vacuuming done in 30 and laundry in one- puts you next to godliness, because how can one be infallible and all-seeing when you’re mired in clutter?
I know- I’ve lost it.
Red-letter day!
We had planned the dinner a week before, but afterwards, sated with Korean fried-chicken and a ton of seafood, and watching the results unfold on the news, it felt quite apt and celebratory.
Nothing like the feeling that everything is right in the universe at least in this part of the world, where right is right and wrong is wrong. The right party and the right leader was elected.
And yes, I just had to reactivate my Twitter account just to be able to ‘scream’ it loud and who cares if like I said, nobody hears about it. It’s so satisfying just to be able to say, ‘you’re a CUNT’ (though you can’t say this on Twitter of course).
I’m going to enjoy this for a few more days..
Life is a bowl of (instant) ramen
I bought two styrofoam bowls of instant ramen at the supermarket for the grand price of .99 cents each and was surprised that they tasted really good- like the real thing, if there is ever such a thing as real ramen.
And this is the thing about life lately which is why I’m seizing this ramen metaphor and squeezing every bit of significance out of it until my hands bleed- because what the goddamned fuck is ‘real’ life, or the ‘good’ life or even (shudder) the ‘right’ one?
I honestly can’t tell anymore, and the more I try to figure it out, the more I get confused, or worse, get distracted from the life I’m currently living which is actually really good- like a bowl of instant ramen.
You just need to live it; appreciate it; share it as you’re able; and most of all, to augment it- to make the noodles more substantial, I added leftover (very expensive) organic beef fillet, two hard-boiled eggs and a dash of Knorr seasoning.
Back into it again
You try to believe there were signs- a friend gifts us with face-masks, we suddenly change our minds about going to the mall- but really, there’s nothing remotely pre-ordained about the virus. Sure, it’s invisible, but it’s just like you and me; it moves (transferred really) latches on, tries to survive in its host.
It’s not personal.
Remembering rainy July days from another life
By July, the novelty of new school stuff would have all worn off. The fresh notebooks carefully wrapped in plastic are sodden in some places because it seems, the Batman themed bag you thought was cool, isn’t really impervious to rain.
And so are the new leather shoes, your socks soaked through with regular warnings not to take them off to wade in the puddles- not that you’d want to anyway because you hated being in bare feet.
On nipa shingles, the rain is a constant hum, like a cat sleeping inside a blanket. Then my parents built a new, modern house and on corrugated iron, it’s louder and we used to raise the TV volume to hear the dialogue but when the rain was more intense, the TV signal would drop and we would just turn it off.
How we managed during those days without devices to while away the time is something I could no longer remember, but we did. And I think I just read and read; Le Guin, Tolstoy, Raymond Carver, Asimov, Barbara Cartland, the entire encylopedia, Stephen King, Terry Pratchett, Pearl S. Buck, John Irving, John Updike.
And we ate and ate. It makes me crave for beef boiled for hours in a clay pot with potatoes, cabbage and plantain bananas thrown in towards the end. You eat it with fried fish with a dipping sauce of fish paste and citrus.
And when I was older, we drank and drank. I remember cold naked gin and fingers greasy from fried fish. We start when the rain just starts to peak and finish - or when nobody is physically able to buy another bottle- just as it settles into a steady rhythm until dawn.
I would also take my bike out or my motorcycle and stop in the middle of this high bridge a few kilometres away where one can see the vast flatness of the town. In the rain, it is a different landscape, suddenly full of tall, craggy darkened mountains and deep, black-holed valleys.
Here, I can hardly hear the rain. The rains of the Southern Hemisphere are tepid and predictable. Outside, the suburban street lamps cast a warm comforting glow over low, clapboard bungalows, manicured hedges and neat gardens. I settle into a Netflix movie and call it a night.
First day back
LUNCH. Last night’s leftovers of grilled boneless chicken thighs and spiral pasta and anchovies
Well not really. I just had to go in for a workshop-meeting with a project manager and we finished just before lunch. I did bring lunch so I stayed a bit enjoying the AC now doing a nice even heat; fixed up one of the girl’s Adobe account; fixed up my desk which didn’t really need that much fixing because I sorted it all out before lockdown. The coffee machine wasn’t turned on though so had to do instant which is fine. I also needed to wash my coffee cups and plates because we weren’t doing a washing-machine run.
But that’s fine.
In fact, everything is fine. Without going into specifics, the company is fine- it had the foresight to prepare for a financial downturn of some sort- and the whole country is relatively fine.
New Zealand is going back to Alert Level 1 next Wednesday after one week of no reported cases of Covid-19. We’re officially going back to the office Wednesday as well and I could already hear the groaning of some people who are loathe to exchange their comfy sweats for office clothes.
WORK ESSENTIALS (lol): Armnani Exchange progressive glasses by OPSM; Bailey Nelson prescription sunnies; Prada Pour Homme; Khiel’s Oil Eliminator spray; anti-bacterial gel; Auckland Transport card (coz commuting is better than driving).
Two things that frustrate me
Don’t know where to begin although I’ve already started.
Photography
Fitness
Questions:
Should I get a photography course?
Should i do self-learning? (already started, but I need to be more organised)
Should I go back to the gym?
Should I get a personal trainer?
Yes I'm a happy forty-something, nearing fifty-something soon (Part 2)
14. Go easy on the outrage- or maybe, just don’t get into it. Because is there a point still to it, aside from feeling something a little bit better than helplessness?
15. Channel tricky stuff like outrage inward and turn it into something that benefits you. A snarky tweet will not change the world even if it gets a million likes, just saying.
16. It’s okay finally to be selfish- but with boundaries.
17. It’s okay to eat anything- once a year!
18. Health is TRULY wealth
19. SAVE- my mother always gave that advice as well as the horrors you’ll get when you don’t- and it’s better late than never, though there will be things you have to give up because you can’t afford them.
20. It’s nice to aspire to something- but start counting how much that is costing you.
21. Live simply- it won’t work all the time, but keep trying.
22. Don’t ever let yourself believe that you can’t live without something
23. In time, you will forget and realise that you’re still alive and more importantly, better off.
24. Exercise. All. The. Time; and no activity is too small or inconsequential.
25. There is a lot about your body you can change, and I’m not talking about plastic surgery.
Yes I'm a happy forty-something, nearing fifty-something soon (Part 1)
This is my take if I may, from Leila’s post which you can read here; the gist is: People who are 40+ and happy with their life, what is your advice to people in their 20s?
My sibling’s kids- Matt is 20+ and Ally and Toni are not far behind- are sensible and raised well-enough to make good decisions, so it hasn’t occurred to me at all to give them advice (they can ask me for a phone sure or money if I have to spare and I can always give these…), but I’m not their parent. And at some point, all of us have become adults on a level, if not ever shifting playing field and it may well be, that they may give me advice who knows?
And because I’m always extra (this is number 12), here’s FORTY:
1. Forgive
2. Forget- the past is dead. If you committed something heinous though like murder or theft, THAT IS NOT exempt lol
3. Believe in God because there is one
4. Pray whenever you can
5. Have faith in yourself first because it starts there
6. if you need help, go ask for it
7. Be (always) helpful when you can
8. if you’re naturally unhelpful, then don’t help
9. Nothing is worse than forcing yourself to do something that’s not natural to you (like the colour Khaki).
10. Try though to change parts of yourself that you think, will benefit you if you changed them even if they seem, well, set.
11. Study your habits- not closing lids, not reading instructions, hanging laundry one way, cooking adobe one way- and see if by changing them, life is suddenly better. Little changes actually count. A lot.
12. Try to be extra in everything that you do because nobody has ever liked a half-baked cake; was promoted doing half-assed work; or gotten off satisfyingly from a semi-rigid penis.
13. Don’t be too extra in love though- love is never a resource you should extravagantly waste (and yes, it can be wasted!).
Back to my other home
It honestly didn’t feel like it had been over a month. We iMessaged and Facetimed nearly everyday. I think if I tried, I could have flown the drone over to Papakura.
Life goes on.
