Lily the cat has been changing where she sleeps and I get woken up in the middle of the night as she comes and goes; her paws on my chest feel like gentle concentrated pokes.
The cookies haven’t shipped and I have this sinking feeling that when they do arrive, opening them would be a surprise. But small businesses are struggling and at the end of the day, it’s just unhealthy sugar I shouldn’t be having. Not be going to be that person mouthing off on social-media over something as petty as cookies.
And talking about mouthing-off on social media, when I see people who praise the Marcoses as if they’re the second coming of Christ, I’m like DEAR LORD, steer me away from evil. I’m back on Twitter and wanting to be clean this time (follow me? @rufino_amor)
There’s no food in the house. I was thinking of ordering some fish and chips across the road, but ended up opening a can of spaghetti. Yup, spaghetti in a can.
Still waiting on a new pair of shoes. Yup, a new pair again.
Tuesday feels like Thursday
What to get for Christmas?
I need to see a dermatologist like ASAP
I need to see a dentist first lol
Monday
Today was okay; sometimes, getting through the day quietly and efficiently is all you need
Air Zoom Tempo NEXT% x Off-White™
Slow crawl today
I’m only on 37.5 hours a week so on Fridays, I finish up at 2pm. This arrangement was a throwback from when I first started and nearly everyone else has converted to 40 hours. I’ve thought about it too many times to count, but haven’t made the plunge (once you go 40, you can’t revert back). I thought about the money- the additional 2.5 hours is what wage-wise? Pre-tax $5K? Didn't convince me. For one thing, on some Fridays, I work beyond 2pm- my choice, so money is not a factor.
And this is the thing about work- on some days, it feels like work. Like today. It feels like a slow crawl to 2pm and I know for sure that when it hits 2, I’m clocking off. Unless my boss rings for something. These are the days- who knew I’d be one to crave for sunshine but I do now. Today is over-cast with a hint of rain, hardly inspiring. But I did the laundry anyway during morning tea break because I had to do stuff.
So I’m actually glad, I’m off at 2. Happy weekend everyone!
End of the week
Got my 2nd dose of the Pfizer vaccine today dressed in a pink hoodie, sweat shorts and Nikes with red socks. After the shot, I was asked to wait out my 20 minutes in a holding area with three other people- seniors- who warmly welcomed me as if I was suddenly part of an exciting new order- the vaccinated.
In about 10 minutes, our bond was even made stronger by the fact that we all shared the same sentiment- that people who refuse to be vaccinated, or are skeptical of it, or worse, actively worked and campaigned against it, were scum of the earth.
And of course I went there because I couldn’t help myself; well, the day will come when we come face to face with a Covid mutation that’s far more lethal than any current variant, let’s see how they’ll deal with that’
Everyone went quiet. I waited for a bit thinking they were all formulating their response to that, but nope. Silence.
Okay!
Where you at?
The ties that bind
My fraternity brothers from college have set-up this Viber chat group and after all these years, we’re all still what we’ve always been. J the joker; M the rich guy; S still-doesn’t-like-me; B is still tense; B2 still the nice guy. There’s a couple I miss- L, who is MIA; M who is still as dodgy as ever. And then those who have passed on- D and A. Plans are being made for 2022 and I’m thinking, I’d like to get there. I don’t think it’s too optimistic to believe that I can drag my ass to the Philippines in a year’s time. As we normally say in the fraternity- ‘S__ R___ Fight!’
Sept 11
I believe Anna gave birth after Sept 11 not sure really, But I remember watching the events on the news unfold knowing that Chris was on his way to the airport. Happy 20th birthday to my goddaughter Angela.
Not hard enough
I’m inherently lazy and I think it’s genetic. I see my brother and remember my uncles and how they lounged about with their lanky bodies, smoking and being chill. It’s not really laziness, but more of an aversion to too much effort, which is what you need to get abs. I know that I’m vain, but I know it goes way beyond vanity when I refuse to slouch (even if no one is looking); or to not eat anything until noon so that my stomach feels flat and firm; or to dress impeccably even when just buying something at the dairy just across from my house. It’s because I’m still alive and kicking goddamn it and when I am, I will try to be my best 24/7. But then I feel I don’t try hard enough- or harder. And these days I am, trying even harder even if I must admit, I’m inherently lazy.
Stuff
I want the new Go Pro 10; still hemming and hawing about getting the new iPad Pro with the M1 chip; NOT buying a new iPhone this year; I want a new drone; I want a medium-format camera.
Fuck off to (and I’m avoiding having my new Twitter account suspended)
Still the Republicans; the state of Texas; all the American states that are Republican; anti-vaxxers; Nicki Minaj; anti-maskers; athletes who want to eat their cake and have it too; a generation who want to eat their cake and have it too and have the audacity to cancel people who call them out; David Seymour and Judith Collins; Bongbong Marcos and his entire fucking family; historically challenged Filipinos who support Bongbong Marcos; and the entire corrupt, ratchet Duterte government.
When it's actually a blessing being bored
It was a Tuesday when it was announced that there was a community case of Covid, and that Patient 0.2 had been to a million places. I was at home early, in bed and on instinct, went to a supermarket website to get online delivery. A million other people had the same idea, but had gone to a physical store instead. This was Sam and me last year thinking we were clever in leaving the house for the nearest supermarket 15 minutes before the prime minister could announce lockdown, but we didn't get squat. A thousand other cunts had gone there first and the staff decided to close.
I could feel the website crashing at some point but I held on and an hour and a half later, successfully got my order. I spent the next couple of days/weeks working, with the supermarket website open and refreshed every 30 minutes to catch one of the precious few slots for delivery, and so far have been 100% successful- this was a good thing because the supermarkets became a hot-bed of Covid exposure sites.
Doing and waiting for the grocery deliveries is pretty much the only exciting thing during lockdown which is still ongoing.
Trash, garbage people
Anti-vaxxers
The Taliban
The Russian government
The Chinese government
Republicans
Belated happy birthday Lei
This is time. You just don’t see how fast it’s going probably because maybe, it’s not real. Not real in the way you think anyway. Our cat Lily sleeps most of the day. In between, she eats, poops over the storm drain on the curb (I’ve seen her do it twice, squatting gingerly over the grates), follows scents or tries to pick fights with other cats. But she sleeps most of the time, and if you think of it, this is probably the most important thing it does in its life. It seems like it’s nothing, but it’s fundamental to its existence.
I wouldn’t even try to think what is fundamental to humanity’s existence anymore. When I try, I hit this ceiling in my consciousness and I’m like, yeah, I don’t really care. Hitting this ceiling physically hurts; and it puts me in a foul mood, a nasty spiral of negativity and toxicity where the only outlet is lashing out (pointlessly) on social media, where thankfully, I’ve been banned and it’s fine with me, because it was the only way out of that motherfucking hole.
But I’m really more concerned with what’s fundamental to me. Is it work? Is it some lifelong dream put on the back burner for far too long? Is it proving that you are this, or that? Is it learning something as stupidly simple as driving (maybe it’s not so simple); or taking on an endeavour we used to think wasn’t us, like a business? Is spending over $4,000 a year on clothes really me?
I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. I feel like I don’t have enough time as I used to. Or maybe I do.
Maybe I’ll do what Lily the cat does - just relax. Sleep.
Birthdays
?
There’s a photo of me about to blow a candle or candles on a cake. I’m wearing my good clothes; a short-sleeved polo shirt and pants. The shirt has some prints on it but I believe it’s basically white. I’m not sure though because the photo is black and white. All the neighbourhood kids crowd around me and I remember some of the faces, some of whom were kids much older than me. I’m probably standing on a high bench, hunched over the cake, my short arms solidly planted on both sides. I look like a princeling biding my time as if waiting for instructions from the photographer when to blow the cake. I look neither happy nor sad. I look business-like; as if I somehow knew how all this was going to play out.
I don’t remember how old I was, and I couldn’t remember how many candles there were on the cake which would’ve given than information.
20 - 30
Can’t remember at all.
40
It was a good year, but I just didn't feel like announcing it because it seemed that I already was, on Facebook. The word ‘blessed’ was being bandied around as if God was in a great mood and was passing good fortune around like party favours. I finally learned this - I don’t need to explain my life to anyone but you can always ask me. And guess what? Nobody does. Deleted my Facebook account and celebrated it by cooking three dishes I had been craving.
Thank you for the gifts!
Easter postscript
Feeling just a bit running on low, work-wise and thinking there was going to be a break soon - like a long holiday - when I realised I had worked through the holidays.
I don’t mind it to be honest. I enjoy the work; I enjoy the privilege of it; It gives me a chance to prove that I deserve that privilege; and these aside, the overtime $$$$$$ is a nice cushion.
But I feel damned tired which I keep trying to brush away as half-mental….I’m nearly convinced though.
Easter - or Lent - in the Philippines is a far memory. As far as my inability to be able to look inward like I used to without all the crutches I have now- the phone, the internet, this satisfying, contented life.
I don’t even commune with Him like I used to and I think, I’ve become that Catholic I used to mock; those who pray only when they need something. And do I have everything then? I’d like to say that I’ve always been practical and specific about the things I want so yes, I think I have everything I think I need and wanted.
There are a couple of things however that are beyond the power of prayer - still working on those.
Today Feb 14
Happy Valentines! I felt like buying chocolates- for myself of course but then thought nah. I’ve begun putting a tiny bit of brown sugar into my espressos lately, so I should be cautious of over-doing it. Don’t want to be suddenly diabetic.
Auckland goes into another lockdown today as there are three Covid cases of still unknown origin in the community.I could say ugh, but I actually welcome it- you get to control the spread, and you get some quality work done at home without all the office distraction. Win-win really.
Plus we get to spend some quality time with our new cat Lily; and get to write; and get to work-out.
Triple win and fuck Covid!
Today Feb 12
Protect your tree
I have a favourite tree at the Papakura Central Park. It is some sort of pine. When I pass by it, I always stop and put my hands on its trunk, my eyes closed for a moment. Being connected to a living organism is not stupid; but developers who can’t work their way around them are. Would I protest when my favourite tree is in danger of being cut down? I won’t be as brave, but this kid is.
People who voted for Trump are also complicit
If you’re watching the Trump Impeachment Proceedings The Sequel, you’d know that it’s pointless reasoning with a party that sacrificed their testicles at the altar of Trump. So now the House Democrats want to convince the 73 million or so who voted for him. Good luck with that! Those stupid turds are even worse.
Purchase
I bought an adjustable weights bench for $154 on Trade Me. It came unassembled of course like everything else in this country. But putting it together wasn’t as hard as I thought. It actually gives you an idea on how sturdy it is; let’s put it this way- it’s just right for my 5 foot 8 and a half, 74 kilogram frame. Any heavier = 👻. So officially starting on weight training again which I’ve postponed for the longest time.
Law of nature says, only the fittest survive
And this applies to businesses as well. Queenstown is still moaning about its situation and still deaf, blind and dumb to the reality of 2021 which hasn't changed much from 2020- Covid is still raging; vaccines are not the 100% guaranteed fix we expected them to be; we still need to have our borders closed. The loss of a business is not comparable to people getting sick and dying, period.
Peace of mind is...
Being suspended from Twitter; everyone needs intervention- like Donald Trump- and me. It’s like being super-drunk at your own birthday party I guess, is the perfect analogy. It’s your birthday but someone still has to be somewhat responsible for you when you start being a danger to yourself.
Not looking at online stores too much and thinking you need another pair of jeans; of course you do need another pair of good jeans, but it’s now thinking beyond that and visualising about what happens when you don’t buy it. Turns out, there’s no difference except that you’ve saved that $280 for something else.
Going to bed and not thinking of anything at all; or thinking of possibilities, instead of what-ifs. I do sleep well but discovered lately that I can maximise the benefits of a good night’s sleep by choosing to think of creative things.
Cleaning up, everyday
Creative projects; will reveal details soon
Nothing really new
I wouldn’t be too quick to say goodbye to 2020 just yet; the New Year seems to have been just a short reprieve; a short if not necessary break; a short bridge where looking over your shoulder, you still see that motherfucking Donald Trump, a new Covid variant, and shoes which in hindsight you should’ve bought but didn’t.
The holidays 2020
Christmas was good.
Everyone that I love and care about (shockingly not that very many) are safe and well; I ate what I wanted (my top priority for the holidays); I gave a ton of great gifts, got a ton in return; work is humming, and Trump is OUT.
Managing chaos
Do you sometimes get the sense that no matter what you do, the normal state of things is really chaos and disorder?
I have heaps of work leave so on days when my boss is away and when there are no deadlines or pressing work stuff, I would take the day off in order to ‘put things in order’ as I would describe it. For me, relaxation and a calm mental state is not possible when your side-table is dusty, there is a pile of unsorted laundry, or there are no meals set for the last two days of the working week.
But even as i get everything done, there is always that feeling of undoing- everything would be undone again later, tomorrow or in two days. And what if you were sick and physically unable to maintain it? Who would do it? How would you do it?
It seems that no matter how good and efficient you are, you can’t win against time. Against disorder. Against death and decay.
But oh well! That's life. There’s also comfort in the thought that I have no plans of stopping, no plans of not trying. Just give me a minute will you, to catch my breath and I’ll get onto it…
The List of Things To Do:
Proper gardening
Studying Google Analytics
Read four books by the end of 2020
Bake a complicated cake
Gym and general bodywork
Write a new short story before the end of the year
sort my mountain of clothes
finish one proper artwork
make a complicated dish
write a letter and post it
Today's thought
When I was about Chini’s age, I occasionally questioned life itself- why was I here? How did we get here? Was there something beyond? It wasn’t at all a scientific or religious or supernatural question. It was simply being hyper-aware of your physical body and projecting your mind outward out of it, if that makes sense.
And I sort of succeeded, like an out of body experience but I was awake. I was able to untether myself- maybe it was disassociation? But whatever it was, it felt weird because nothing really happened, but something did happen. The feeling I got was an immense, but comforting sadness. I didn't get any answers, but I felt it- knew innately, that even as it was out of reach or sight, it was out there.
As I got older, I’ve tried to do it again but couldn't .
Ironically, my own mind is in the way. Imagine standing in front of a thick forest and the shortest way is straight through it, but I always resist. My mind is telling me that there are other ways, other routes. And I believe it.
My legs feel heavy, or I think they are. Or that I have a headache, except that I never really get headaches.
I spend weekends thinking that the greatest barriers to my life are my mountains of unorganised clothes or shoes; or that I need more of them to conquer challenges and fulfil aspirations (dressed in style of course); or that an epiphany is one amazing dish away, the flavour of which is the trigger; or that cleanliness and efficiency- vacuuming done in 30 and laundry in one- puts you next to godliness, because how can one be infallible and all-seeing when you’re mired in clutter?
I know- I’ve lost it.
Red-letter day!
We had planned the dinner a week before, but afterwards, sated with Korean fried-chicken and a ton of seafood, and watching the results unfold on the news, it felt quite apt and celebratory.
Nothing like the feeling that everything is right in the universe at least in this part of the world, where right is right and wrong is wrong. The right party and the right leader was elected.
And yes, I just had to reactivate my Twitter account just to be able to ‘scream’ it loud and who cares if like I said, nobody hears about it. It’s so satisfying just to be able to say, ‘you’re a CUNT’ (though you can’t say this on Twitter of course).
I’m going to enjoy this for a few more days..
Life is a bowl of (instant) ramen
I bought two styrofoam bowls of instant ramen at the supermarket for the grand price of .99 cents each and was surprised that they tasted really good- like the real thing, if there is ever such a thing as real ramen.
And this is the thing about life lately which is why I’m seizing this ramen metaphor and squeezing every bit of significance out of it until my hands bleed- because what the goddamned fuck is ‘real’ life, or the ‘good’ life or even (shudder) the ‘right’ one?
I honestly can’t tell anymore, and the more I try to figure it out, the more I get confused, or worse, get distracted from the life I’m currently living which is actually really good- like a bowl of instant ramen.
You just need to live it; appreciate it; share it as you’re able; and most of all, to augment it- to make the noodles more substantial, I added leftover (very expensive) organic beef fillet, two hard-boiled eggs and a dash of Knorr seasoning.
Back into it again
You try to believe there were signs- a friend gifts us with face-masks, we suddenly change our minds about going to the mall- but really, there’s nothing remotely pre-ordained about the virus. Sure, it’s invisible, but it’s just like you and me; it moves (transferred really) latches on, tries to survive in its host.
It’s not personal.